Funny Poems
There's a cat named Joe and you wouldn't want to know
But he thinks he'd like to be a Hippopotamus
And it sounds very strange, and he really wants to change
And in that way he's just like a lot of us
Oh, it wouldn't be so bad if he was certified as mad
But he's not... he holds a normal conversation
It's just that within he's in a different kind of skin
And it causes him a lot of botheration
An identity crisis in a bloke like that
Has got to get a high consideration
At times we're all like that, the hippo and the cat
And it can make for very strange conversation
You see, Joe can't swim... it's just not natural to him
He gets his fur wet and whiskers out of shape
And a hippo feels a dud unless he's wallowing in mud
With his big toothy mouth all agape
But you look into Joe's eyes and know he loves the shape and size
Of his big, round cousin in the water
So he sits by the river with his heart all a-quiver
Wanting what he really shouldn't oughta
An identity crisis in a bloke like that
Has got to get a high consideration
At times we're all like that, the hippo and the cat
I guess we'd sometimes like to change our situation.
Ain't It Funny,
how you say you love me,
and that we will always be.
Ain't It Funny,
how you've got my heart,
and how I can't stand to be apart.
Ain't It Funny,
how good the moments are that we spend,
and how you've became way more then my best friend.
Ain't It Funny,
how I could never cheat on you,
I wouldn't even think about being untrue.
Ain't It Funny,
how you mess around,
knowing that I'm the only female thats down.
Ain't It Funny,
how I show you no trust,
and when you cheat, I think of it in disgust.
Ain't It Funny,
how I won't leave you,
and all the other girls I can see right through.
Ain't It Funny,
that I've cried tears,
just so I can hide my never ending fears.
Ain't It Funny,
that I'm putting all my energy into you,
because I know in the end it will be just us two.
Always eat up all
the food on your plate,
Don't let your clock go slow, or you will be late.
Never tell your children french letters are no good,
AND REMEMBER -- Never tell anyone a joke you don't understand
because the punchline could be rude.
Always tell your mother you've put clean undies on,
Don't talk about anyone until you're sure they've gone.
Never sell a friend a car that will not work,
AND REMEMBER -- Never show the film 'Midnight Express' to
anyone who just happens to be a Turk.
Always get up in the morning and go out for a run,
Don't ever use bad language in the company of a nun.
Never offer anyone the use of a dirty hankerchief,
AND REMEMBER -- If you ever meet anyone with mad cow disease
don't ever offer them any beef.
Always put the cap back on the toothpaste tube,
Don't ever in the company of women call their tit a boob.
NEVER tell your father-in-law his daughter's no good in bed,
AND REMEMBER -- If you hate eating the meat of living animals
make sure that the buggers are dead.
Always take you mutt out when he's standing with crossed legs,
don't ever finish a bottle of wine, always leave some dregs.
Never tell a horse NO, always tell it NEIGH,
AND REMEMBER -- A dog is not just for Christmas, you can have
it on sandwiches on boxing day!!
I'd crossed the
hot Australian plain
From Bourke to Yantabulla,
Thinking to catch a northbound train
That went to Cunnamulla.
But first I spotted as I strolled
This wondrous bird, all blue and gold,
A Cooper's Parrot, I was told.
I watched it as it looped and rolled
And, when it landed, buttonholed
The flying flash of colour.
It spoke, as Cooper's Parrots do,
In tones of purest 'Strine.
Your train may not be early, blue,
There ain't no railway line.
(A life in ornithology
Is seldom blighted by ennui.)
I thanked the parrot over tea
And said if he were to agree
I would rename him after me.
He thought that sounded fine.
Then, anxious not to press my luck,
On his advice I left by truck.
The parrot, shortly after that,
Became Town Clerk in Ballarat.
Should you behold
Banana Zoo
you're sure of a big surprise
for there you'll see Ken Kangaroo
with odd-shaped, kaleidoscope eyes
and Terry the Tapir and Gerald Giraffe
showin' off their skills as dowsers
and Sid the Zookeeper with a halibut scarf
and goldfishes pinned to his trousers.
There's Venomous Vince, the variegated viper,
pole vaultin' in one-legged jeans
and Peccary Pete the porcine sniper
with his blowpipe and haricot beans.
there's Gertie the Gibbon and Maureen Macaque
solicitin' in suspenders and bras,
and Lewis the Lion who diets on wrack
and keeps turquoise tadpoles in jars.
And should you get stuck in Banana Zoo,
where the purple striped Aardvark
plays skiffle,
I know a good shrink
who will help pull you through,
for there's no such place
-it's piffle!
Trotting through
the dusk
on that deserted country lane,
a sight I'd never seen before
- nor never will again
As if by magic
there suddenly appeared
a host of hairy goats,
unusual and weird.
The big orange leader
inspected his troops,
made them form lines,
sorted them in groups.
Marched up and down
like a sergeant at roll-call
I'd swear on my life
he inspected them all.
A fat multi-coloured chap
with horns that curled round.
A scrawny old bill
with a beard down to the ground.
A milk laden nanny,
two kids close behind
bickering and snickering
(they had an axe to grind).
Elegant twins
with hooves painted pink
and roses twined around their ears
(at least that's what I think).
They came in their fives
and they came in their tens,
they stretched so far along the road,
I couldn't see the end.
So where were they headed,
this brightly coloured throng
Straight past me and towards the pub
that I'd just staggered from!
We planted some
beans in our garden in class,
along with some peppers and pumpkins and grass.
We planted them neatly in straight little rows.
But Jessica Jean stuck her bean up her nose.
She did it discreetly, not making a peep.
She pushed with her pinky and poked it in deep,
then kept it a secret, so no one would know.
But, meanwhile, her bean was beginning to grow.
It popped out a leaf on the tiniest stalk.
It grew and unfolded and caused her to squawk,
then rapidly blossomed, becoming a vine,
while Jessica Jean was beginning to whine.
It quickly expanded to cover her lips.
It grew on her shoulders, her elbows, and hips.
It bloomed on her body and covered her clothes,
completely encasing her down to her toes.
It looped on her ankles, engulfing her feet,
cocooning her knees, and obscuring her seat,
concealing her up past the top of her chest,
her arms and her hands and then all of the rest.
And that was the last that has ever been seen
or heard of the student named Jessica Jean.
So always remember to plant them in rows,
and never, don’t ever, put beans in your nose.
Doc, I'm really
in a pickle;
My little girl just ate a nickel,
And then coughed up, (in random order),
A dime, three pennies and a quarter.
I'm at a loss, Doc; what to do
I'll leave prognoses up to you.
(I've prospered doing as he bid
Just feeding nickels to my kid.)
Its a wet- wet
-wet -dark Sunday,
I'm standing at my sink.
I'm looking at my Goldfish,
What does my goldfish think
Does he remember days,
days when he was bold
and lived beside the boatshed,
where it was dark and cold
The lady from the petshop,
her name is Harriet.
She spied my little goldfish
and caught him in her net.
She put him in a glass jar,
took him to her shop.
I bought him there last Friday night,
he cost me quite a lot.
Now he swims in my glass bowl,
I feed him everyday.
He watches me with googly eyes,
and hears everything I say.
The electricity was out, but it didn't matter,
he went outside with a metal ladder.
There were lightning bolts dancing about,
but he was wearing rubber shoes, no doubt.
He placed that ladder on the telephone pole,
soon he'd have the power under control.
As he climbed, the rain began to fall,
he wasn't worried about that at all.
Thunder clapping with a loud roar,
but up the ladder he went some more.
Fearing electricity, just isn't founded,
those rubber shoes had him grounded.
When a lightning bolt hit that wire,
he thought for sure he was on fire.
He thought he'd end up charred remains,
electrical work requires brains.
But to his surprise, he didn't die,
and he knows the reason why.
Those shoes, they must have saved his life,
but oh the comments from his wife.
When you smile dear, your teeth all glow,
and you keep crackling, don't you know
And next time that the power goes out,
give the electrician a shout.
The shocking moral, you can see,
Be careful around electricity.
I love you dear, yes you're the most,
but I'm not sleeping with burnt toast.